It’s Not About You, It’s About Them.

Are you really listening to me?

Listening is simple right?

Not something we’re really taught how to do properly  but something that we just learn  by default , by picking up bad habits , making mistakes then having to make amends.Frequently, we won’t even get feedback to help us.

When it comes to the sexes poor communication kills relationships as men are accused of never fully listening to the girls. Children frequently pass remarks about how little understood they really are and many people quit their roles out of frustration from not being entirely understood .

We all have a fundamental underlying need to be understood.

We have more means to connect with people than ever  before with a host of technologies to keep us in touch but are we truly connecting?

Communication is the most IMPORTANT skill in life. We communicate using verbal and non verbal language and sounds and body language account for 90% of the cues we receive . So it’s not necessarily the words but how we say it that counts. We pick up and sense the tone and energy of another when we can’t see them and can only speak to them , like working from home  online, we must rely more on our senses.

We have to communicate effectively to ;

Attract and connect with others

To speak up for ourselves  so we can get on in life

To persuade and become a key person of influence

To interact effectively on a social level

So it’s worth investing time and effort in learning the art of effective listening to aid our communication ability . Stephen Covey in his ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ illustrated the different levels of listening moving from ignoring through pretending to selective then attentive listening. The highest form of listening we can employ, however, is empathic listening. Also known as active listening or reflective listening this is a technique that improves mutual understanding and trust with two people.

When we listen with empathy we allow ourselves to see through the other person’s eyes and attempt to walk in their shoes.It’s all about sensing beneath the surface of the words and getting to the heart of what is really being conveyed . We will all have at some point experienced the power of being listened to in this way as opposed to be ‘talked at’ and will be able to relate to the fundamental differences. But understanding and application are two different things and its easy to get distracted.

To be an empathic listener we need to;

• Allow the speaker to fully express themselves and we must explore their emotions.

• We must ask open-ended questions and seek first to understand before offering our opinion.

• We must not judge or assume .

• We can reflect back to the other person the feelings that are being expressed.

• If face to face, eye contact is crucial in maintaining that connection along with mirroring the other person’s body language.

In shorthand; its about emotional identification, emotional intelligence,compassion and insight.If you’re curious that will help because its all about having a genuine interest in people.

Thinking about what you are going to say is too ego focused and ego blocks the ability for empathy and creates a real barrier for a meaningful connection with others. When we are distracted emotionally , in terms of feeling insecure, out of our depth ,perhaps, and self absorbed we’ll become too caught up in our own base emotions to intuit the other person’s feelings. If you’ve ever come off a call or away from a meeting and you’re absorbed in questions like- I wonder what they thought of me  then that’s a sure signal that you haven’t been at the empathic listener stage .

So the language of logic is different from the language of sentiment and emotion. Sensing is an intuitive feeling instinct and you’ll know when you’ve deeply connected with someone . As Covey says; it allows us the ability to turn transactional opportunities into transformational opportunities and I’d add life long relationships too.

So in essence its all about suspending our evaluation and criticism.When we truly listen with two ears and one mouth ( as they say in sales ) we build the other person’s self esteem and confidence. We’re acknowledging that they matter and this elicits openness, trust and loyalty and who knows think of the opportunity for ideas exchange then.

We must not

• Interrupt them

• Attempt to finish their sentences

• Try to solve their problems before we have discovered what they they need.

• Allow our attention to drift with distractions like playing with the mobile phone or laptop and answering email messages .

• Focus on thinking about what we’re going to say.

These are the realms of the ignoring/pretending/selective.

Follow these principles and before you know it your relationships , connections and sales will be off the scale.